More questions than answers

From here….

…..where I sit watching Dr. Who (geek/nerd to the core) and writing this I find myself introspective. Why am I writing this? I realize that it has to be as much for myself as anyone else. Otherwise why go on? It’s not like anyone else reads it (1 comment on the last 10 posts). Yeah, that’s the morose introspection. Ignore it, it’ll pass.

So thoughts.

SF Dyke March issued a statement that they are welcoming:
“We are femmes, butches, and otherwise-identified; dykes-of-color, dykes of mixed race, Jewish dykes, and white dykes; dykes of varying ages and classes. Some of us identify as queer, or as genderqueer”, and “The San Francisco Dyke March is for dykes. Dykes gather at the Dyke March to celebrate our love and passion for women and for ALL dykes. We celebrate our queerness in all its manifestations. We understand dyke identity to include those of us who are questioning and challenging gender constructs and the social definitions of women, and who are gender fluid. We also welcome all women who want to support dykes to march with us. Celebrate dyke diversity!”….

I guess Trans Women aren’t welcome as they list about everyone else BUT trans women. <em>sigh</em>

On a positive note, DykeDayLA states:
Dyke Day L.A. is a day in the park for all self-identified dykes and allies, including gay families, transgender dykes, and dykes of all ages. The mission of Dyke Day L.A. is to create an inclusive space that brings together the past, present, and future of our east side Los Angeles dyke community.

So it’s the Dyke two step. One forward and one backward. Next?

Queers. While there are lots of disagreement (god which part of the greater community DOESN’T argue?) on definition, on whether it is a valid descriptor, whether it (and especially genderqueer) is a copout, I think for me I have my definition. And it’s as valid as any other I suppose. Queer: a group of people who would generally fall under the greater LGBT umbrella if the L, G, B, and T’s didn’t think that they (the queer) didn’t fit into the preconceived mold that they’d created while fighting normative societies preconceived ideas of what should be. So a place for those that don’t fit in and are outcasts by the larger group that doesn’t fit in. Sucks doesn’t it? Hey LGBT, take a deep whiff. That smell? That’s called prejudice, and it’s all over you.

Children (so many thoughts… so little time): I don’t know anymore. My eldest is mad at me because I am not a good role model. This based on ‘things’ he’s heard and pieced together. Son, unless you can live someone else’s life, don’t suppose to tell them how to live it. Middle son.. I worry about him. He’s a lot like me… actually they all are… fractured parts of a mirror magnified. But he’s trying to find his way. I wish him well even though there is little I can do to help him. And maybe this time that is the best thing I can do for him. Let him stand or fall on his own. Make his errors and his successes. One’s either way that only he takes the credit for. My youngest son… Honestly, he doesn’t ta. to me so I have no idea. I’ll leave that slate blank and let him fill it in when he’s ready. This isn’t my timetable to complete. And my ‘daughter’. I love her and care for her as my own, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep her. I feel more and more that there is no respect from her. Maybe I haven’t earned it. Maybe I just have a history of surrounding myself with sociopaths and others I desperately try to help/fix, which I can’t I know, but it distracts me from looking at how fucked up I am. And way too much of that.

Angie is gone. Too many lies and deceptions. And too many times I knew the truth and turned away unwilling to believe. Now it doesn’t matter. She has a job. She has a place. She has a life. I hope she makes the best of it. I’ve done and given all I could. I’m tired and drained now. with nothing left. Just a few words to try and help those others I care for.

I have two amazing women in my life. I realize it should of been three, but that just was not meant to be. Perhaps the others aren’t either. Life is full of twists and turns. I feel in a lot of ways I am distancing myself from others. Perhaps being a turtle, perhaps protecting. But I suspect it’s more fear than nobles oblige. I am merely a shadow passing through people’s lives. They talk and chat for a while and then I am forgotten as easily as a lost sock. Something you occasionally wonder where it went but don’t really make an effort to find, because it’s easier to find new ones.

Work? None. Applying for positions but no bites. Isn’t it amazing that no one wants to hire a 55 year old trans woman? Wow, I bet you were surprised….. I have $13 in checking, and no foreseeable income. I owe 10k on the car, 9k in credit cards, and about 1k in utilities (phone, gas, electricity, internet, cable), and 1.5k in rent. Not to mention therapists, psychs, parking tickets, food, clothing, gas for the car…… Not refilling meds definitely saved some money as I have no insurance, but that probably has downsides…

And so I go on. Day after day. Trying to make it through. My ex’s wedding is coming up mid next month, and I am trying my best not to screw that up for her… which means at least making it…

…. to there.


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