From here….
Watching a loved one wither and die. A life wasted. Feeling my own time slipping by. The clock on the wall ticking loudly. Running. Driving. Crying. The accident. The doctors and the 5150. A pin prick of the needle and the burning. Sleep finally coming to my tormented mind.
Waking changed.
Talking to the therapists. Dissecting my life like a frog on a lab table. Making a decision and pouring forth my deepest secrets. Saying them aloud. Seeing the shock on their faces. The prescriptions. Drugs to calm me. Give me clarity. Slow down my mind. One frame at a time rather than 24 frames a second. I watch and know what must be done to live. I drift away in the haze.
Waking changed.
The final confrontation. The explaining once again who I am to someone I loved once and still do that I can not remain locked within this shell. Packing. Leaving. Moving into a one bedroom share sleep not coming. The doubts, the fears arising. Fighting them back. Pushing them away. Drawing on strength I didn’t think I had. Finally sleeping.
Waking changed.
The vial, the alcohol wipe, the syringe all neatly laid out. Sitting on my bed I stare knowing that this decision has no real way back. I stare for a while, then load the syringe with the thick clear liquid. Breathing deeply I hold it above my exposed thigh, then suddenly jam it home deep into the muscle. I pull on the plunger making sure no blood is there then depress it slowly, feeling the warmed liquid invade my body, psychologically already making the first changes. I clean up, disposing of the evidence. Lying back I stare at the ceiling and cry a bit. Morpheus finally comes and rescues me to the land of dreams.
Waking changed.
I dress and go out into the world. I talk to those I work with. To my students. To my friends, relatives, strangers on the net. I explain again and again. The story repeated. The explanations given. New friends found. Old friends lost. Family lost. family found. I go to a club and drink to dull the pain of those I have lost, and to celebrate with those I have found. The alcohol does it’s job. I stumble home, clothes dropping on the floor. I look down and see the clothes as if for the first time. Bra, panties, blouse, slacks, heels. A twinge touches me, then I smile. Laying down the booze final takes it’s final toll and I pass out.
Waking changed.
Her skin was soft. Her voice full of laughter. We chatted while working, stealing moments to giggle together, her scent intoxicating. We left and ate at a nameless 24 hour restaurant. Talking nonstop. Reaching out our hands touch and remain, feeling the warmth passing between us. We return to my house late into the night, watching bad movies and tripe on the internet. Finally exhausted we collapse, our bodies curling up together, my breath on the back of her neck, my arm wrapped around her, pulled closer by her hand. Lying together I breathe in her scent and feel as our breathing matches. I try to stay awake, to relish this, but I feel the familiar drifting.
Waking changed.
Reaching out to one as hurt and hurting as I. A friend. a daughter. I give that which I can and pull her into our lives, hopefully giving her a place where she can grow and blossom into the woman she is without the taunts and curses of her past. A place where she might let go of at least some of her fears. A place where she might be able to love openly and honestly. A place where she might find someone to call mom without bitterness and resentment. A place where I might rise to my potential. I sleep with her in her first bed of her own.
Waking changed.
Touching those around me, and at the same time loosing that which I once held close and hoped for. Loosing something that was never mine to begin with. Giving all of myself to one who has nothing to return. Knowing this I still give more. Then the moment comes. The love I thought was mine is ripped asunder. The breath stolen from my body. The pain immeasurable, returned to me with interest. The pain only dulled by the sharpness of the blade on the skin. Finally exhaustion taking me and dragging me into the darkness.
Waking changed.
Realization that the things I held dear and had hoped for would not and no longer could come to pass. The gold needed was gone. The love needed was gone. The hope needed was gone. Reaching for the blade once more I watched as it cuts cleanly through the skin, the droplets formed and then run down my arms. The color of life and of death. Pain the only thing that keeps me going, and the anger at myself and that which I once loved above all else. Loved through betrayal, through fear, through loss. Watching the blood coagulate and stain the covers of the bed I fall into a sleep….
Waking changed.
……to there.
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