Delayed reaction

From here…..

….. Where I sat wondering when I’d be able to come here and write and have it all be puppies and kittens. Alas, today in not that day. There have been some ups, and some hellish downs. this post is probably going to wander all over so fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

My last post was New Years. I was so angry after that I decided not to do this for a while, but rather focus on short posts on Facebook, or even shorter ones on twitter. Love me that twitter. 140 characters to tell everything in your life in a meaningful way. And the bickering and posturing….oh boy, fun, fun, fun. On the other hand I have met a number of people..especially two, who have been very helpful to chat with. Unfortunately my FaceBook page is now going to languish. More on that later.

So what’s happened? Hmmm.. this is a closed blog right? RIGHT? Jill is dating and I think it’s wonderful. It seems she has found someone quite special and I really hope it works for her. She deserves to be happy. He from all accounts is a great guy. At some point I will have to quietly meet him and tell him if he hurts her I’ll… we’ll leave what I’ll do for another time. Just treat her right. I still care for her and ant her happy.

Wow, a love life…. Yes, I am still with Angelina. We fight often as we come from completely different worlds and she doesn’t understand why some things bother me and I don’t know why some things set her off. However… we both know that the most comforting place is in each others arms. Lying awake watching TV with her head on my chest, my hand running down her arms and side. Driving and realizing we have both reached out and are holding hands as I drive. Beyond that? We seem to enjoy kissing, but I don’t know it’s going to go beyond that for a long time….you see we both would like to make love to the other, but we both back off at the thought of having the mismatched parts displayed or involved in anything. If we had both transitioned all the way I don’t think it would be an issue and we’d be going at it hammer and tongs. (look it up). But we haven’t.

And we both have a lot of issues. Trust, abandonment, attachment, fears in general. I tend to be very political by her count and she just wants to get through the day…. but she’s lived on the street and had to struggle just to live, so politics have generally been a luxury she couldn’t afford.. and many trans women are in the same situation. When each day is a struggle just to live where is the time to tackle social issues? So we have things to work out. I fear loosing her and she fears loosing me… which makes no sense at all, but there it is.

Family….. middle son is off at Davis, and if he had the choice and the money would probably stay in Davis or the Bay Area. He’s fond his tribe, his friends, and a love that seems to understand and accept him… even if he has trouble understanding her on occasion. And he has a support system if he needs it and calls on it. Youngest has gotten back into music after kind of burning out for about 6 months. He’s enjoying it again. He’s happier. And his wit is still razor sharp. Don’t verbally fence with him unless you have a very sharp rapier… And my eldest. Has had the most difficulty with my transition, but just recently has also shown he is willing to back me up in bad situations. He cares…he may not always understand or agree, but he cares. Moving further, my sister and I, long estranged due to my mother, have started talking… and guess what? We like each other. She is extremely supportive an just wishes she hadn’t had to wait so long to have an older sister. Wow, just wow. This from a born again conservative. You just never know how people will react.

Job… difficult. Repeating…PRIVATE BLOG! I was on unpaid administrative leave recently. Yes, I screwed up, but compared to other things that have happened at work the punishment was out of line. So I am under constant watch and have to report to various people, and chats with B every so often. Pain in the arse. New boss complained about things I did..some of which I have been doing with the old boss for 15 years. Not easy to turn on a dime. But that is slowly resolving itself.. I hope.

Other parts of work. I have also been called on the carpet because people who used to be where I work but are no longer there follow my Facebook page. More than once after something happened I posted about it. Only to be called in to be told that the person had contacted a current employee who had gone to the big head, who had called me in furious. I will not be using Facebook for any future posts. I will keep close track and control who I let read this blog. I’d really like to keep my job, and having those that supposedly support you turn around and put me in a position where I might be let go? …..sigh.

And on to current issues. There was a power outage at work on Saturday. By Saturday evening power was restored, but the equipment was off line. My boss and I arranged to meet at the business at 4:15. We arrived precisely on time. The boss had a toddler in tow, as their spouse was working that day. The business was locked, so he opened a gate, but did not relock it after entering. We then proceeded to reception where he opened a door and attempted to disarm the alarm system. They failed. Tried again…and again…finally the beeping stopped but the readout still said Enter code to Disarm. Not a good sign. We proceeded to the servers and brought them up. Upon leaving the area they commented that their child and their hands were dirty and they’d like to wash up. I mentioned calling a co-worker to explain about the alarm system and the code not working. They went off and just as I finished the text I heard a sound behind me.

There pointing three handguns and one big assed shotgun at me were LAPD’s finest. Move away from the bench, hands in the air. Stop. Hands on your head, legs apart. Frisking begins, including a groping of my breast. Scared and ot pleased. Nervous laughter from me. The boss and their child exit the building. The officers wave them to a bench. For me they had me put my hands slowly behind my back and interlock my fingers at which point the officer cuffed me. They (my boss) keep saying please take off her cuffs, she works here. They (the LAPD) ignored them. Finally another coworker was found who vouched for me. And the boss. The undid one cuff, had me put the free hand on my head and then took off the other cuff. I was still getting dirty looks. They ‘apologized’ (Just doing our jobs SIR) and started to leave. In the mean time the co-worker I had texted had replied while I was still cuffed…”LAPD is on site” – No shit. I text back saying that I had been held at gun point, hand cuffed, and felt up by a cop. They responded by text that it sounded like I had liked it……….BURN…………………………………..

I was shaking, scared, furious, freaked…… I posted on FB a brief comment about what had happened. I took it down the next day. A person who was no longer directly connected to the ‘business’, contacted a current worker, who contacted the head of the business. So, if you wish me fired, just pass this blog on….. I have been told to not say anything in public, but I needed to get this out. Therapists orders.

So Monday I filed my first sexual harassment complaint. Am I still mad at the person? No, they were just ignorant, and we’ve worked it out, but the complaint stands so that others don’t think that this is appropriate behavior. From Sunday forward I am not letting these things slide anymore.

Further I am contacting LAPD IA to file a complaint, as well as contacting an attorney at my SON and Ex’s request. That was a surprise…

Lastly, when talking with Angie and others about this, two things were repeated….I was asked o think why I was held at gunpoint, frisked, and cuffed, while my boss wasn’t, they were allowed to just sit on the bench. Anybody guess the differences? Yes, they had a small child. That’s never stopped the LAPD before…so? Yeah. And the other thing….sigh…I got support and cuddles from Angie, but she looked at me and said “Welcome to our world. Call me when you have a cop’s knee in your neck, your face in the dirt, a gun to your head for walking while trans…”

I suddenly realized I still have a lot to learn if I am going to make it from here….

…to there.


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