3 is 2 too many

From here….

where when I realized I had to follow this path I also knew what I would possibly have to give up… Family, friends, work, stability, home. I’ve been blessed in many ways. I have a connection while tenuous with my original family, and a great bunch of people I consider my chosen family… Jen, Katie, Mikaela, Cameron, Cyn…. Acacia, Vanessa, Andrea, Lisl… Beth.. and more. I still have my job and they support me exceptionally. Home…Yes, I’ve lost my original house and home, but I’ve a home here that’s wonderful with family that love me. And friends. I have yet to loose a friend over this with is so wonderful I can’t express it well enough, along with building a larger circle of friends.

But sometimes the abundance is too much. I fully expected to be alone for the rest of my life. That I’d had my one great love and should be happy with that. At 53, being female, trans, the odds of finding love were minimal at best. And now I am dealing with the results of not thinking that through…not expecting the unexpected. I’d love to have one real person in my life to love and that loves me….. I have 3. By all accounts that is 2 too many.

My almost ex-wife. We have had bitter times in all of this, but the reality is that a lot of that is because we still care deeply for each other. If it’s not love it’s something very close.We just can’t be what the other needs at this time. And that hurts both of us and we take it out on each other. Fortunately we seem to have found a space where we can still talk without hurting each other… or at least not as much.

Meg. We met online in Second Life and after I separated we started a online affair. She was wonderful and supported me when no one else seemed to. And a type of love bloomed out of that. We Talked in SL, then IM’d online…… and then the revelation that almost tore us apart… She’d lied about almost every aspect of who she was. It wasn’t that she was someone else, but that she’d lied to me for 4 or more months. Trust was almost completely destroyed, and still in the back of my head I always wonder what is the real truth. Once you know everything you believed in was based on lies, how do you go back? I still loved her, but I’ve had a very hard time since then trusting her. And she has glib explanations, but those ring as hollow excuses. I am afraid we will never be as we were.

And she’s afraid to take control of her own life and move forward, rather awaiting me to do it all for her….and really I can’t. There is much she has to do on her own first. It’s already a codependent situation, which isn’t, according to the therapists I’ve talked with a good situation for either of us. So she needs to take care of herself first before she has someone else run her life and tell her what she should be doing or do them for her. She needs to take responsibility for her life or she’ll never value it. You can’t measure your success bu what others do for you but rather what you can do for yourself.

And then #3…… Angelina. Self assured, self determinant. Willing to ask for help if she really needs it, but also desiring to do it all on her own…to be able to look back and know that she did it on her own on her own terms.

And more. Much more. But I know who will be reading this and have no desire to hurt them more. Over time more will come out though, as it must. I am not Angelina’s be all, end all, but a companion to walk with her. And if our paths diverge I know she will follow her own…And I know I will be proud to have traveled with her so far, and proud that she is following her own path. We will just have traveled it together for a time. I do however hope that it is a while before that point.

So I’ll keep following my path, with the three loves in my head and in my heart…

….to there.


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