From here….
When this all started….well when I finally admitted it to myself and allowed my self to be…..I knew were there was. I still do. But others asked the question of me repeatedly. From my wife, a loving woman who didn’t want to loose her husband but was seeing him slip away bit by bit. She asked if just hidden crossdressing would be enough hopefully. I shook my head. With tears in both our eyes I explained that I couldn’t promise that there would be a stopping point. That there might be, but at that point I didn’t see it and didn’t want more lies between us.
I was asked by friends and co-workers if I was going to ‘go all the way’. I looked at them strangely and puzzled said that at this point I can’t see not becoming as complete a woman as I can be. I’ve even heard this question from members of the trans community, which surprised me at first, but I gave the same answer to them.
I still do and I believe that. In a recent discussion with my Psychiatrist (vs the therapist which I see every week as required) he was talking and commented that I didn’t have to worry about ‘The Letter’ when I was ready as he’d rarely seen a person with such realistic expectations of the outcome and what I faced. And he believed I had the tools to deal with it. Tangentially my therapist the day before had commented that they often left blank spaces when I finished talking because when they did I generally came up with an answer or solution to my questions on my own. I guess that’s my tools or skills that will get me through this.
So while I am fairly sure of where there is for me I realize it’s not the answer for everyone. I was surprised at first, but slowly came to understandings. We are not binaries. We are not ‘this’ or ‘that’, but our lives and our places in the world are a continuum. We may be at a fixed point, or we may shift along the line from time to time. And where we stop is up to us. A line is defined as an infinite series of points. Where my point is that I stop on is not for everyone. And am I sure I will stop ther? No. But that is my goal -today-. After all the changes I’ve been through in my life I would be naive to think that my path was fixed in stone.
So where are these stopping points? I threw myself into the community looking for support, and came away puzzled. It’s taken a few months and a lot of sitting down with people and talking to them to understand. That line of infinite points? That’s where you stop. In other words, anywhere on the line that works for you. From the far end where I see myself going, which is as a fully functioning woman that current resources can make me. And there are admitted limitations. I will never bear children. I will have to train my voice to be somewhere it doesn’t want to be. I will have to dilate daily for the rest of my life (that should be another fun discussion).
And the other end? No changes at all, but still identifying yourself as the gender you were not born with. I’ve seen this in both men and women. And they’re comfortable where they are. I’ve met those who are on hormones, and that’s as far as they go. I’ve met many beautiful women and handsome men who have done everything except genital surgery, and are exceedingly happy with who they are. Some were actually puzzled that I was going ‘all the way’. They defined themselves as the gender they appeared, but still retained the genitalia of there original gender.
This baffled me at first….it took me a while to see through my preconceptions. But once I did the world got much bigger. One of the things that has thrown a lot of people, my family, friends, colleagues is my orientation. Repeatedly I was asked point blank, would I now be sleeping (ok, having sex) with men? Um…no? Then why change? Sigh….It’s not about sexuality, it’s about gender. The two, contrary to popular notions are not the same.
It was those questions that opened the box. We saw all of our world and the people in it as binary. Those who’ve studied Zen can understand the fallacy of thinking in binary terms. And this is from someone who works with and programs computers!
Binary…as in Male or Female, Gay or Straight, Black or White, Young and Old. To get past a lot of preconceptions I had to toss out my idea of the binary. At first it was in refernce to a few things, but it quickly expanded to encompass my whole life. And with it came understanding and calm from the confusion. It’s not right for everyone, but it is for me.
So…..what do I mean. I started to write “What does this mean” but realized I was defining the answer as an absolute. Sigh. I at one time, not too long ago visualized somethings as points on a map. In one corner was male, the other female. Below each was gay and straight points. Simple. A person was one or the other in the first category, and then one or the other in the second category. Life was simple. Ah, the good old days.
Now? The map is a multidimensional object with an infinite number of points. Those original ones still exist, but not as absolutes. but rather as extremes. And there are other vectors as well.
Skin tone, eye color, hair color, kink level, intelligence, compassion, wealth, and so on in this multiverse. Where you and I fit on the map in not at the extremes or even any one extreme. We float in the cloud of possible points. And yes, float because we are never completely fixed to even that point we see ourselves at in the moment as I write or you read this.
So if any of us along this journey stop at a different point than others, does that make us or them wrong? No….all the points, all the intersections are valid. Where you find yourself able to exist and hopefully be happy for that moment is where you belong, not some point defined by me or anyone else.
So where will I end up? I had an answer that i believe in, but I am not 100% positive..life changes. So the answer I have now as to how far I will go?……
….to there.
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