From here….
I drove to my therapists today, as I do almost every Monday night after work. It’s part of the required regime…and I like them. We chatted about things from the previous week, stress at work, and the amount of time I will have been going without a break (I think we are up to 4 weeks? Five? Lost count.) They wondered why I arrived stressed, sigh. I’d left work 30 minutes earlier and hadn’t had time for much other than hitting a drive through and then eating as I drove over.
Backing up….rewinding….The letter went out. Some staff have contacted me, offering support, congratulations, and of course expressing their well meaning thoughts on my “courageous and brave” act. If you’ve followed you know my take on that one. Most of the staff though treated me just as they always had. Even when I switched clothing…um…styles? That is the reaction I want. Just let me be who I am and continue to do my job. Then group three who doesn’t speak to me anymore unless they have to. Expected. I just shake my head and smile. Still awaiting group four…you know the spray paint and keying to the car crowd?
The kids so far have also been in group 2 or 3, with mostly 3. They aren’t sure. I am probably the only trans person they have met. So no frame of reference other than those wonderful Hollywood movies of the week. Or Tootsie. They’re all back in a week and a half, so we’ll see then.
Today’s outfit consisted of tight low rise jeans, the Vera sandals, Relic belt, bright pink/fuchsia blouse with a deep V, pink bra, and faux leather jacket. Also makeup. Looked decent. Of course nothing can be done about the face. Or at least till next summer. The 38B’s looked nice though. (sleep deprivation and beer starting to take their toll.) All in all a good day. Even the construction workers on site still just glanced and then moved on. I could guess at what they said once I was gone, but I’d rather not.
So after work grabbed food and went to therapy. Still need to get references for someone in the LB area…soon. I strolled in barely on time and obviously stressed. I started relaxing as we chatted. I find Alexander easy to talk to. So I guess he’s good at making people feel at ease, a good trait for a therapist. The conversation turned to how people had reacted in the last week as I came more and more out. At one point he asked how I felt about what I was describing.
I never can answer that question well. At least not in the traditional sense. So I tend to use allegorical references and talk about my feelings as if they were something that existed as an ‘object’. I can visualize that and describe it to someone. So I did. What I felt was like a spiral that looped on itself of myst. So many feelings that I couldn’t focus on just one…..
He stopped me and asked where I was. And there I was. Crouched down, riding on the balls of my feet, hands clenched, small delicate hands, ready to spring at what was lurking in the fog, trying to stop me…. Um what? Suddenly the feelings have become this nebulous entity or entities. And I don’t know what or who they are, but I know they mean to stop me…
What else is around you? Things coalesce in my head. Close your eyes and describe it. I do, becoming the camera once again taking a picture of a scene frozen. My back is against a dim grey wall…everything is grey. No colors. Only shades. To myright the wall makes a 90 degree turn away from me. It’s an alley. No light shines in it. Something I need to remember about it..on the edge of memory. Ok to the left and slightly above me, casting the light in this place is a single bulb swinging on a cord with a conical shade above it. A little further to the left is a door. The light plays on it as the lamp swings back and forth. And the myst….the myst with something in it. Something that wants to attack me, stop me, turn me back.
The door is locked. I know because I had briefly tried it. But I really hadn’t tried very hard, as while I would probably be safe there, it would mean giving up making it to the other side. And I couldn’t. It was too late for safety.
The alley. I looked down it and remembered. This is the way I had came. Through the pitch black alley, using my hands to feel my way forward slowly, always touching the wall. Where was I before the alley? I don’t know. I just know I was in it for a very long time, as long as I can remember. I walked forever. slowly crawling along, until I saw the grey light ahead. Then I felt my heart leap and I moved forward towards t. I didn’t know what it was really, but it wasn’t the dark. I exited the alley and saw the mist in front of me. And I knew it was out there waiting.
What do you look like? Can you describe it? Yes, I’m crouched down, balled fists, small ones. I’m afraid and angry. I won’t be stopped. I have a shirt covered by what sems to be a jean jacket…but everything is grey. I’m wearing grey jeans and grey tennis shoes. My hair is a medium length, but wild and all over the place. And it’s black, black as the darkest night. I can’t see the face, but I can feel the eyes and the emotions there fighting, fear and anger.
What happens next? I don’t know. It’s a still life, a picture frozen in a moment. But….. She knows she has to move forward, and she’s ready to fight anything that tries to stop her, even the phantoms in the mist. And She knows she will make it. She will survive and get to the other side. I look at her and I feel massive pride in her. So much pride that I begin to cry….
Time to wake up Alissia…. I open my eyes, wet with tears. I will make it.
…… to there.
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