Duality.

From here….

I read a post from Dreamweaver a number of days ago, and I wanted to respond to it, but couldn’t find the words that fit..I still don’t know that I have. She was commenting on her and Cameron’s experiences in a class where he came in to talk about trans issues, as did a couple of others. She voiced some concerns and then her own epiphany about those concerns. Below is my response to that, written after spending some time with the ex when dropping off an old photo of her. It started fine, but ended poorly, with both of us upset. And it’s not her fault or mine…it just is….

I paused on posting a comment on this when I first read it. I wanted to think about my response, and try to find a way to be articulate…I don’t know that I have, but after reading Cameron’s take on the event I felt like I could without anyone feeling I put words into there….blog? (and the new building project has kept me away from any down time other than with Megan.)

The love between the two of you is palpable. You see it in both of your writings. It pours out on the page. You see it in the photographs.

I’ve seen that writing before. I’ve seen those photographs….I’ve been in them. We were the couple everyone envied. And it wasn’t a lie…it still isn’t. But I’ve realized and put word to it that we on this side of the relationship never transition alone. Our spouses, lovers, children, friends and co-workers transition with us as well…. albeit unwillingly.

……My wife who I still love very much and who still loves me very much is still looking for door number three. And I don’t see that there is one….. I’ve already transitioned.

And I -THINK- SammieJoe scared you because part of it may have been that feeling on your part. Is there a door number 3? Has Cameron already transitioned? What about us? What about me?

And if my thoughts are true, those are exceptionally valid ways to feel. These days it is my firm belief that the moment someone says to themselves “I am trans”, they are, and they have. They’ve stepped over that mystical threshold between the nominative world and …well..the twilight zone. My feeling based on this reasoning is that Cameron has transitioned.

Has he modified his structure? Not to my knowledge. But he’s not the first transperson I’ve met who hasn’t, but still identifies as the opposing gender to their physique.

Is Cameron different from the person you fell in love with? When he holds you close do you feel any different? Does a pronoun make that much difference?

So if he’s basically the same person you fell in love with, how far through the transition are you willing to go, given what you probably already know about FtM transitions? Is there some line in the sand?

If not, don’t doubt him or you. He still loves you deeply, and that will never change…or at least not because of this. You will be who he wants for the rest of his life. To be by his side. To be the last person he sees before he sleeps and the first person he seeing when he wakes….

I wish I was as lucky as you and Cameron. I dearly love Megan….. but I also still love my wife. And I know if she hadn’t made it clear that she couldn’t be beside me on this path I would never have left, and never have been with Megan. I love them both now…. I just know one of them can’t live with me, and it hurts deeply…even when I tell her I understand.

Love him always… for both of you. What you have will never come again.

….to there.

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